1. image: Download

    April 14, 2014 (10:55 pm) 

Found this letter that I wrote to my dad.. Having a hard time holding my shit together. Actually, I’m not holding it together. At all. I miss him and I need him.. This hurts so fucking much.. 

104.2 (BMI of 14.39) as of this morning. Took laxatives tonight because I went to my sister’s award ceremony today, which happened to be a three course lunch. I only ate part of the salad and part of the main course, though. Still feel like shit, though.. 

Fucking hate my life.. I want my daddy back..

    April 14, 2014 (10:55 pm)

    Found this letter that I wrote to my dad.. Having a hard time holding my shit together. Actually, I’m not holding it together. At all. I miss him and I need him.. This hurts so fucking much..

    104.2 (BMI of 14.39) as of this morning. Took laxatives tonight because I went to my sister’s award ceremony today, which happened to be a three course lunch. I only ate part of the salad and part of the main course, though. Still feel like shit, though..

    Fucking hate my life.. I want my daddy back..

     
  2. image: Download

    April 16, 2014 (1:55 pm) 

Weighed in at 106 this morning due to eating the last two days. I took laxatives last night, however, which hadn’t kicked in yet. (Please note that I didn’t take them simply for reasons related to my eating disorder. I hadn’t gone to the bathroom in over a week.) Before I got into the bath I weighed in at 104.4, which is a BMI of 15.42. This is my most recent LW. (Within the last year or so.) I’m hoping that I’ll get to be less than this soon, maybe even under 100 in the next week or so, though I doubt it. My reasoning for that is because I received a text from my sister this morning asking if I was still going tomorrow. I had completely forgotten. She has an awards ceremony tomorrow at 11 am which happens to be a 5 course lunch as well. I’m going to suck it up and go because it’s important to her but the anxiety is insane. Partially because of the food and partially because it’s in my old stomping grounds where a lot of people that I avoid are going to be. And I’m going alone. Awesome.. 

I have therapy today. This will be interesting.. Hebwas already concerned last week and I’ve lost a bit more weight since then. Oh well, I’ll figure something out.

    April 16, 2014 (1:55 pm)

    Weighed in at 106 this morning due to eating the last two days. I took laxatives last night, however, which hadn’t kicked in yet. (Please note that I didn’t take them simply for reasons related to my eating disorder. I hadn’t gone to the bathroom in over a week.) Before I got into the bath I weighed in at 104.4, which is a BMI of 15.42. This is my most recent LW. (Within the last year or so.) I’m hoping that I’ll get to be less than this soon, maybe even under 100 in the next week or so, though I doubt it. My reasoning for that is because I received a text from my sister this morning asking if I was still going tomorrow. I had completely forgotten. She has an awards ceremony tomorrow at 11 am which happens to be a 5 course lunch as well. I’m going to suck it up and go because it’s important to her but the anxiety is insane. Partially because of the food and partially because it’s in my old stomping grounds where a lot of people that I avoid are going to be. And I’m going alone. Awesome..

    I have therapy today. This will be interesting.. Hebwas already concerned last week and I’ve lost a bit more weight since then. Oh well, I’ll figure something out.

     
  3. image: Download

    April 14, 2014 (5:01 pm) 

Got surprised with a dinner tonight for my mom’s birthday. It’s in about a half an hour. Terrified to put anything into my mouth. Already looked up calorie content. Some of it isn’t so bad… Just don’t know now I’ll be able to actually eat. 
Killer headache. 

At 104.6 today. BMI of 15.45.

    April 14, 2014 (5:01 pm)

    Got surprised with a dinner tonight for my mom’s birthday. It’s in about a half an hour. Terrified to put anything into my mouth. Already looked up calorie content. Some of it isn’t so bad… Just don’t know now I’ll be able to actually eat.
    Killer headache.

    At 104.6 today. BMI of 15.45.

     
  4. image: Download

    April 13, 2014

Evan still isn’t home. I miss him despite what he did.. The next scheduled court date is the 24th. I’m going to be calling the victims advocate tomorrow so that she can call the DA to try and set up a date before then in order to modify the no contact order to a no abuse order. There are a lot of factors to why I want him home. For one, it’s terrible for me to be alone for a variety of reasons. Two, we financially can’t afford it. I’m to the point of considering selling some of my dad’s stuff that I treasure just to make it by. 

My eating disorder has been… Interesting, I guess. Keep switching between fasting and binging. I calculated my binge from last night today and it only totaled up to about 1,100 calories, which I was surprised about. I thought it was much more. It was all I had yesterday but it’s still too much. Far too much. Now, I logically know the way to help prevent binges; eat small amounts throughout the day. This isn’t an option for me though. 

My therapist and mom have been talking about the hospital more and more lately. I can’t go.. I’m not thin/sick/dying enough to need to go.. 

I guess my therapists main concern is that when I fast I drink very few liquids as well. They frighten me. Even my spit is terrifying.. I go into the fast with the intention of staying hydrated but that fear quickly sets in. 

I started taking my Abilify again last Sunday and my lithium again tonight. It’s been three months since I’ve taken either of them. 

I feel weak and cold. I’m exhausted. Not only physically but mentally and emotionally. I don’t want to be here, or anywhere for that matter, anymore. The only things stopping me right now are my therapist and my mom. My mom just buried my dad, she doesn’t need to bury me so soon as well. My therapist is more of a grandfather to me now over someone who just sits there and listens to me bitch. We care deeply for each other. 

I’m going to be trying to get to sleep earlier at night now in order to try and prevent binges. I have a small stash of seroquel, a prescription for lunesta and ativan and a not-so-small stash of klonopin. This should help. 

I’ve noticed that when I don’t take my ADHD medications I’m incredibly unmotivated. I will lay in bed and stare at the wall the entire day. Thankfully I have plenty of them right now. 

I’ve hit a plateau. I keep bouncing between 105.6 and 107.8. Seeing those numbers cause a panic attack, to say the least. Especially anything over 106.6. 107.8 is too close to a BMI of 16, which is completely unacceptable. I need to get back under 100. This is no longer an option. 

—————————

Just weighed myself: 105.4. BMI of 15.56. Still too high. Hopefully I can be under 102 by the end of the week. It’s possible, just risky due to the hospital conversations. 

I’ve began purging again as well. Not frequently. Up until early last week I had only purged once since June or July and that was back in November. Since then I’ve purged twice. Two days in a row. Now I’m just refusing to eat. Well, not exactly refusing since there isn’t really anyone around to try and force me right now. It doesn’t make me feel any better, it’s simply a punishment for eating in the first place. 

My mind has become a scary place..

    April 13, 2014

    Evan still isn’t home. I miss him despite what he did.. The next scheduled court date is the 24th. I’m going to be calling the victims advocate tomorrow so that she can call the DA to try and set up a date before then in order to modify the no contact order to a no abuse order. There are a lot of factors to why I want him home. For one, it’s terrible for me to be alone for a variety of reasons. Two, we financially can’t afford it. I’m to the point of considering selling some of my dad’s stuff that I treasure just to make it by.

    My eating disorder has been… Interesting, I guess. Keep switching between fasting and binging. I calculated my binge from last night today and it only totaled up to about 1,100 calories, which I was surprised about. I thought it was much more. It was all I had yesterday but it’s still too much. Far too much. Now, I logically know the way to help prevent binges; eat small amounts throughout the day. This isn’t an option for me though.

    My therapist and mom have been talking about the hospital more and more lately. I can’t go.. I’m not thin/sick/dying enough to need to go..

    I guess my therapists main concern is that when I fast I drink very few liquids as well. They frighten me. Even my spit is terrifying.. I go into the fast with the intention of staying hydrated but that fear quickly sets in.

    I started taking my Abilify again last Sunday and my lithium again tonight. It’s been three months since I’ve taken either of them.

    I feel weak and cold. I’m exhausted. Not only physically but mentally and emotionally. I don’t want to be here, or anywhere for that matter, anymore. The only things stopping me right now are my therapist and my mom. My mom just buried my dad, she doesn’t need to bury me so soon as well. My therapist is more of a grandfather to me now over someone who just sits there and listens to me bitch. We care deeply for each other.

    I’m going to be trying to get to sleep earlier at night now in order to try and prevent binges. I have a small stash of seroquel, a prescription for lunesta and ativan and a not-so-small stash of klonopin. This should help.

    I’ve noticed that when I don’t take my ADHD medications I’m incredibly unmotivated. I will lay in bed and stare at the wall the entire day. Thankfully I have plenty of them right now.

    I’ve hit a plateau. I keep bouncing between 105.6 and 107.8. Seeing those numbers cause a panic attack, to say the least. Especially anything over 106.6. 107.8 is too close to a BMI of 16, which is completely unacceptable. I need to get back under 100. This is no longer an option.

    —————————

    Just weighed myself: 105.4. BMI of 15.56. Still too high. Hopefully I can be under 102 by the end of the week. It’s possible, just risky due to the hospital conversations.

    I’ve began purging again as well. Not frequently. Up until early last week I had only purged once since June or July and that was back in November. Since then I’ve purged twice. Two days in a row. Now I’m just refusing to eat. Well, not exactly refusing since there isn’t really anyone around to try and force me right now. It doesn’t make me feel any better, it’s simply a punishment for eating in the first place.

    My mind has become a scary place..

     
  5. image: Download

    March 17, 2014 (11:45 am) 

I apologize for not posting more.. Life has been crazy. About a month and a half ago Evan beat me up pretty good. I’m not going to get into too much detail of that one other than the fact that he punched me, choked me (at least five times), bit me and threatened to kill me. I didn’t call the police. He got abusive again late Thursday night (it’s now monday). We were arguing and he Headbutted me, resulting in half of my tooth breaking off. I had to go to the hospital because the nerves were exposed and then got a root canal done Friday morning. I did call the police that time due to the damage that was done. His bond was set on Saturday at $10,000 and he sees the judge today which will determine if he’s being charged/what his charges are. I am not pressing charges. Honestly, I want him to come home.. I miss him terribly. But I’m afraid that he’s going to be angry with me for calling the police and get violent again.. But he may not as well. I guess we’ll see. If he does get violent again I will press charges. 

I don’t think I’ve ever been so suicidal in my life. I’m not safe to be alone.. I’m not going to act on it right now but I want to badly. 

I miss my dad more than anything. I want to be with him. He’s the only person that never gave up on me, abandon me or caused me to feel like a burden.. 

I’m at a complete loss.

    March 17, 2014 (11:45 am)

    I apologize for not posting more.. Life has been crazy. About a month and a half ago Evan beat me up pretty good. I’m not going to get into too much detail of that one other than the fact that he punched me, choked me (at least five times), bit me and threatened to kill me. I didn’t call the police. He got abusive again late Thursday night (it’s now monday). We were arguing and he Headbutted me, resulting in half of my tooth breaking off. I had to go to the hospital because the nerves were exposed and then got a root canal done Friday morning. I did call the police that time due to the damage that was done. His bond was set on Saturday at $10,000 and he sees the judge today which will determine if he’s being charged/what his charges are. I am not pressing charges. Honestly, I want him to come home.. I miss him terribly. But I’m afraid that he’s going to be angry with me for calling the police and get violent again.. But he may not as well. I guess we’ll see. If he does get violent again I will press charges.

    I don’t think I’ve ever been so suicidal in my life. I’m not safe to be alone.. I’m not going to act on it right now but I want to badly.

    I miss my dad more than anything. I want to be with him. He’s the only person that never gave up on me, abandon me or caused me to feel like a burden..

    I’m at a complete loss.

     
  6. 18:53 2nd Jan 2014

    Notes: 1

    January 2, 2014 (6:51 pm)

    It is now Thursday. Just after the new year. I can honestly say that this is the worst year ever imagined..

    My dad passed away over the weekend. On December 28, 2013.

    I’m not going to say much else.

    RIP daddy, I love you….

     
  7. 23:27 27th Dec 2013

    Notes: 1

    image: Download

    December 27, 2013 (11:13 pm) 
Christmas was rough due to all of the food as well as some family shit. 
Up in Wyoming for another business trip. It’s.. Okay I guess. Hopefully I’ll make decent money this time around. 
Eating Disorder is kicking my ass mentally and emotionally. Fasting starting at midnight except for vodka. It’ll help me maintain what little bit of sanity I have left… 
Sorry for the short post tonight, I’m exhausted and need a cigarette.

    December 27, 2013 (11:13 pm)

    Christmas was rough due to all of the food as well as some family shit.

    Up in Wyoming for another business trip. It’s.. Okay I guess. Hopefully I’ll make decent money this time around.

    Eating Disorder is kicking my ass mentally and emotionally. Fasting starting at midnight except for vodka. It’ll help me maintain what little bit of sanity I have left…

    Sorry for the short post tonight, I’m exhausted and need a cigarette.

     
  8. image: Download

    December 6, 2013 (4:17 pm) 
Up in Wyoming for work. It’s freezing. Evan and I got into a fight two days ago. It got really bad. Really really bad… He hit my head on the wooden bed frame then proceeded to choke me. I didn’t black out, so that’s good… I don’t know what I’m going to do. 
Need to keep losing weight. I hate my hips and waist in that picture. I look so…. Fat. Idk. Afraid that I’m going to wind up in the hospital soon, though. 
…. What am I doing with my life?

    December 6, 2013 (4:17 pm)

    Up in Wyoming for work. It’s freezing. Evan and I got into a fight two days ago. It got really bad. Really really bad… He hit my head on the wooden bed frame then proceeded to choke me. I didn’t black out, so that’s good… I don’t know what I’m going to do.

    Need to keep losing weight. I hate my hips and waist in that picture. I look so…. Fat. Idk. Afraid that I’m going to wind up in the hospital soon, though.

    …. What am I doing with my life?

     
  9. image: Download

    November 23, 2013 (11:21 am) 
My birthday is in three days. Not looking forward to it at all. I didn’t think I’d make it to 18 and now I’m almost 21. It’s very odd to think that I’m still here. And the thought is definitely not a comforting one. 
Been losing weight slowly. My thyroid levels were fucked and I have a fairly severe cases of hypothyroidism. I need to talk to my endocrinologist about it. I’m also afraid that since I’ve been able to lose weight without the meds I’ll lose too quickly on them and get sent to the hospital by my therapist. He’s already unhappy with my weight right now. 
The suicidal thoughts and urges keep getting stronger and stronger. I’m not going to act on them but my god I want to. I also want to cut. So. Fucking. Bad. It’s been months since I have but I just…. Have to. At work I’m near the exacto knives and it’s so tempting. I wear black pants and it’s winter anyway so it’s not like anyone would know except for Evan. 
Work is going well, though, at least. I’m close to being promoted again. If I can pull in two apps today, anyway. Which… I hope I can do. I need to. But, we’ll see. 
Eating disordered thoughts are out of control. Anytime I eat I automatically think of purging and come close to doing so. I miss taking laxatives and diuretics. I know it’s sick but I do. I want to be as weak physically as I am mentally and emotionally. 
I need to start working out again. If I can even find the time.. Working long days almost every day. I figure that since I’m on my feet for up to 13 hours a day that’s a semi-decent workout. I guess.. But it’s not good enough. It’s never good enough. 
My neurologist told me that I should eat edibles. (food with thc in it). Partially to help with my headaches and partially because he thinks I need to gain weight. I don’t really get the munchies anymore so that’s good. At least for me. 
I’m tired. So so tired…

    November 23, 2013 (11:21 am)

    My birthday is in three days. Not looking forward to it at all. I didn’t think I’d make it to 18 and now I’m almost 21. It’s very odd to think that I’m still here. And the thought is definitely not a comforting one.

    Been losing weight slowly. My thyroid levels were fucked and I have a fairly severe cases of hypothyroidism. I need to talk to my endocrinologist about it. I’m also afraid that since I’ve been able to lose weight without the meds I’ll lose too quickly on them and get sent to the hospital by my therapist. He’s already unhappy with my weight right now.

    The suicidal thoughts and urges keep getting stronger and stronger. I’m not going to act on them but my god I want to. I also want to cut. So. Fucking. Bad. It’s been months since I have but I just…. Have to. At work I’m near the exacto knives and it’s so tempting. I wear black pants and it’s winter anyway so it’s not like anyone would know except for Evan.
    Work is going well, though, at least. I’m close to being promoted again. If I can pull in two apps today, anyway. Which… I hope I can do. I need to. But, we’ll see.

    Eating disordered thoughts are out of control. Anytime I eat I automatically think of purging and come close to doing so. I miss taking laxatives and diuretics. I know it’s sick but I do. I want to be as weak physically as I am mentally and emotionally.

    I need to start working out again. If I can even find the time.. Working long days almost every day. I figure that since I’m on my feet for up to 13 hours a day that’s a semi-decent workout. I guess.. But it’s not good enough. It’s never good enough.

    My neurologist told me that I should eat edibles. (food with thc in it). Partially to help with my headaches and partially because he thinks I need to gain weight. I don’t really get the munchies anymore so that’s good. At least for me.

    I’m tired. So so tired…

     
  10. image: Download

    November 6, 2013 (9:53 pm)
Finally got a job, which is nice.  Working 11-13 hour days, 6 days a week.  It’s base or commission but i enjoy it.  Been working there for about three weeks now.
My 21st birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks.  Sort of excited about it, i guess.  my co-worker wants to take me out to party.  I might.  We’ll see.  
My therapist is upset with me.  I’m under his “lowest acceptable weight” now.  Not by too much but I still am.  I just haven’t really been hungry..  at least I haven’t been taking laxatives and diuretics and such often recently.  
A good friend is coming out to visit next week.  That’ll be nice.  If i’m ever home, anyway…
i’m exhausted.  The suicidal thoughts have come back and my depression seems to be getting worse and worse again.  I meet with my psychiatrist on the 12th so I’m going to bring that up to her and see if she can help at all.  I just hope that I don’t get prescribed another medication.  I already hate taking as many as I have to now…
But, i have to go and finish laundry and dishes then head to bed.  I have to be up at 5 in order to get back into town on time for work.  I’ve been at my dad’s for a couple of days to help him out since he isn’t doing so well…
hope everyone is doing all right.  <3

    November 6, 2013 (9:53 pm)

    Finally got a job, which is nice.  Working 11-13 hour days, 6 days a week.  It’s base or commission but i enjoy it.  Been working there for about three weeks now.

    My 21st birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks.  Sort of excited about it, i guess.  my co-worker wants to take me out to party.  I might.  We’ll see.  

    My therapist is upset with me.  I’m under his “lowest acceptable weight” now.  Not by too much but I still am.  I just haven’t really been hungry..  at least I haven’t been taking laxatives and diuretics and such often recently.  

    A good friend is coming out to visit next week.  That’ll be nice.  If i’m ever home, anyway…

    i’m exhausted.  The suicidal thoughts have come back and my depression seems to be getting worse and worse again.  I meet with my psychiatrist on the 12th so I’m going to bring that up to her and see if she can help at all.  I just hope that I don’t get prescribed another medication.  I already hate taking as many as I have to now…

    But, i have to go and finish laundry and dishes then head to bed.  I have to be up at 5 in order to get back into town on time for work.  I’ve been at my dad’s for a couple of days to help him out since he isn’t doing so well…

    hope everyone is doing all right.  <3

     
  11. Anonymous asked: You know, its a good thing it got deleted, your forum I mean. Considering you are the one who started to resent the old PAO and that YOU were the one mod who made the first post the minute everything disappeared. I mean it DID link to your site....

    Yes, I posted after the website was hacked.  I told members to join mine simply for the fact that I would be updating on there what was going on with PAO until it was back up and running.  That was it.  I did not ask for the members to remain on my site, i just wanted to make it easier for them to be able to get information about what was going on.  I was on the phone with one of the members at the time of the forum going down which is how i found out in the first place.  Then i was on the phone with the owner of the site as we tried to figure out what happened.  And, for the record, i did not post something THE MINUTE the site went down.  After everything that i put into that fucking forum why would i waste my time hacking it?  Honestly, i was one of the only moderators that did shit for that site since everyone else was busy.  Even the owner of the site was not on for months on end.  Yes, i started to resent it for the fact that The Starvation Army and The Thinspo Station were there.  I had deleted them.

    Before you make accusations and act like a bitch, check your facts.

     
  12. Anonymous asked: What happened to your forum?

    Apparently someone reported it and it got banned. I am in the process of getting a different host

     
  13. image: Download

    October 12, 2013 (12:50 am) 
Gained four pounds and I can actually see it. Mostly in my stomach and waist. I can&#8217;t stand to take any full body pictures of myself right now. My self image is terrible and I just feel horrible mentally, physically and emotionally. 
I&#8217;ve been sick for three and a half weeks now. I hate how shitty my immune system is.. I get sick so many times a year and it lasts for at least a month at a time. I wish there was a period where I felt okay. 
My results that my neurologist ordered came back. MRI and EEG were normal but my cognitive test and ultrasound of my arteries were not. My memory is drastically below average and my arteries are clogged by 10 to 15 percent. That&#8217;s not dangerous yet but he said it will be in the future. It&#8217;s because of my eating diaorder; my organs not functioning properly or something. I&#8217;ll have to ask him to go into further detail. He said that the amount of blockage I have would be normal in a 50 year old but definitely not someone who is about to be 21. That was kind of a reality check that all these years later my body actually has some damage done to it that&#8217;s going to affect me for the rest of my life&#8230; 
I dont want to try to recover. I don&#8217;t think I ever will. I did once but relapsed bad 9 months later after a comment from a family member. I tried in treatment last year but that was definitely short lived. I can&#8217;t handle the self hatred that comes along with recovery. The constant struggle&#8230; 
I think I need another cigarette and a cup of tea. Maybe that&#8217;ll make me feel a bit better. 
I&#8217;ll try to update more.

    October 12, 2013 (12:50 am)

    Gained four pounds and I can actually see it. Mostly in my stomach and waist. I can’t stand to take any full body pictures of myself right now. My self image is terrible and I just feel horrible mentally, physically and emotionally.

    I’ve been sick for three and a half weeks now. I hate how shitty my immune system is.. I get sick so many times a year and it lasts for at least a month at a time. I wish there was a period where I felt okay.

    My results that my neurologist ordered came back. MRI and EEG were normal but my cognitive test and ultrasound of my arteries were not. My memory is drastically below average and my arteries are clogged by 10 to 15 percent. That’s not dangerous yet but he said it will be in the future. It’s because of my eating diaorder; my organs not functioning properly or something. I’ll have to ask him to go into further detail. He said that the amount of blockage I have would be normal in a 50 year old but definitely not someone who is about to be 21. That was kind of a reality check that all these years later my body actually has some damage done to it that’s going to affect me for the rest of my life…

    I dont want to try to recover. I don’t think I ever will. I did once but relapsed bad 9 months later after a comment from a family member. I tried in treatment last year but that was definitely short lived. I can’t handle the self hatred that comes along with recovery. The constant struggle…

    I think I need another cigarette and a cup of tea. Maybe that’ll make me feel a bit better.

    I’ll try to update more.

     
  14. image: Download

    September 26, 2013 (5:30&#160;pm) 
Picture from today. 
Fallen back into the trap of laxatives now. And my therapist said that if I get to about 105 lbs I&#8217;m going to IP. (I&#8217;m 110 lbs now) it definitely depends on my health, though, so hopefully I can maintain my health somehow&#8230;

    September 26, 2013 (5:30 pm)

    Picture from today.

    Fallen back into the trap of laxatives now. And my therapist said that if I get to about 105 lbs I’m going to IP. (I’m 110 lbs now) it definitely depends on my health, though, so hopefully I can maintain my health somehow…

     
  15. image: Download

    September 17, 2013  (3:11 am) 
This picture was taken yesterday. Those are Evan&#8217;s hands around the largest part of my thigh, thumb to middle finger. 
I can&#8217;t sleep&#8230; Which is frustrating. I&#8217;m going to give it another go when I finish my cigarette. 
Life is chaotic. The memories are even worse. It&#8217;s like constant fire and I have no way to defend myself against the attacks. 
Wrote down my life from being born to about fourteen and a half years old to a good friend of mine. Talked briefly about specific details that I&#8217;ve kept to myself until that letter. It&#8217;s fucking with me. All of it. 
I should go to bed&#8230; 
Night.

    September 17, 2013  (3:11 am)

    This picture was taken yesterday. Those are Evan’s hands around the largest part of my thigh, thumb to middle finger.

    I can’t sleep… Which is frustrating. I’m going to give it another go when I finish my cigarette.

    Life is chaotic. The memories are even worse. It’s like constant fire and I have no way to defend myself against the attacks.

    Wrote down my life from being born to about fourteen and a half years old to a good friend of mine. Talked briefly about specific details that I’ve kept to myself until that letter. It’s fucking with me. All of it.

    I should go to bed…

    Night.