May 12, 2014 (2:55 am)
I apologize in advance for the lack of organization with this post. I have gotten a maximum of maybe six hours of sleep in the last six days and I’m drained in every way possible. Anxiety, stress, fear and self hate have had a very strong grip on me recently.
I’ve had an incredibly difficult time breathing lately. It’s almost as if I’m incapable of taking deep breaths and can’t absorb enough oxygen. My lungs weeze and shutter and I frequently find myself forgetting to breathe if I’m not consciously telling myself to do so. My chest feels tight, though not in the way that I’ve grown used to. I’m wondering if it’s due to the fairly severe bronchitis that I had a couple of weeks ago or if my years of smoking are catching up with me. I did go to the doctor for my bronchitis and I was prescribed five days of antibiotics. I felt worse by the time I finished them. It could be a combination of both smoking and bronchitis and I’m sure that my eating disorder plays a part to some degree.
My eating has been sporadic. I don’t really feel hunger anymore and I find it very difficult to remember the last time that I ate and what I had. My memory is less than ideal, however, which also contributes. I have been eating occasionally, though according to the few people that are around it’s nothing even remotely close to a substantial amount. I trust a specific person when they say this because she also struggles with an eating disorder. I was losing weight rapidly about a week and a half ago, a total of 5.4 pounds in just under three days, if I’m remembering correctly. I ended up having lunch with my mom last Sunday and gained about half of the weight back. It’s seemed to have disappeared since then, though. I weighed in this morning (it’s not the next day until I’ve slept) at 101.2, which is my lowest in quite some time. I feel accomplished and yet concerned. Since today was mothers day I went to brunch with my mom and ate a large amount (for me) in order to make her happy. I was very afraid of how much I would gain from this but I weighed myself before my bath this evening and was only up by a pound. I know that the food that is in my system weighs more than a pound which means that I still lost weight today. When I got out of my bath in weighed myself again and was back under 102 at 101.8. That’s acceptable for now, I suppose, given the holiday. If I go based off of my weight this morning my BMI using the old formula is 14.94 and if I were to go by the new one it would be 14.68. I will explain this further later. It’s very strange being under 15 now. I don’t look nearly as thin as my BMI would imply.
So, I will explain the new/old BMI reference now so as not to forget. The most commonly used formula was created in 1840 and it isn’t exactly the most reliable for a few reasons. The main reason is because it’s calculating people as if we are two dimensional, which is very obviously not true. That’s the reason I’m focusing on. The new formula, from what I understand, takes into account that we are three dimensional. Many people will hate this new formula for the following reason. If you compare your BMI using the old formula and the new one and are shorter in height, your BMI will go up. The opposite if for taller people, it will go down. Honestly, I do not fully understand why this is and I don’t have the energy to attempt to figure it out at this time. I’m finding it difficult to process just about everything right now, especially math. If I figure it out I’ll post about it, though.
It’s possible that i may be going out to California for a couple of weeks to help my cousin. I’m not up to going into detail other than he needs help with caring for his daughter and ensuring that he get stabilized so that he doesn’t lose her.
My therapist is very worried about me. Part of me understands why and part of me is baffled and irritated that he even cares. I don’t see myself as being worth the time or energy to be concerned about but apparently he does.
I’ve been blacking out frequently and yesterday I started having pretty bad back spasms. That only happens when I’m about to have a seizure, though they felt different than that this time. I didn’t end up seizing, thankfully. I could explain but I’m typing all of this up on a phone and it’s kind of a pain in the ass..
I’ve been unintentionally restricting my liquid intake as well, even water. I’m at a constant state of dehydration. For some reason this doesn’t really bother me.
Court for Evan is on Thursday. It’s the preliminary hearing. I don’t have to go but I’d like to hear what’s said rather than being informed after the fact. I will not be asking for the restraining order to be lifted, though Evan is not aware of that yet.
I’m feeling very weak and tired though sleep refuses to come. I wonder how long I can function for with very little sleep. I used to go for quite some time but as I’ve gotten older it seems as though my body can’t handle it as well.
I think I’m going to be ending this post here for now. Hope you all are doing well.