1. image: Download

    August 31, 2014 (5:44 pm) 

I miss my dad. 

I’ve gained weight and yet my clothes are getting looser so it must be muscle. Regardless, it’s still weight and needs to disappear. I need to disappear. 

I can’t stand being around people or being by myself. I don’t want to leave my house and yet I hate being there. Nothing feels right. 

I’m just so tired..

    August 31, 2014 (5:44 pm)

    I miss my dad.

    I’ve gained weight and yet my clothes are getting looser so it must be muscle. Regardless, it’s still weight and needs to disappear. I need to disappear.

    I can’t stand being around people or being by myself. I don’t want to leave my house and yet I hate being there. Nothing feels right.

    I’m just so tired..

     
  2. August 18, 2014 (8:21 pm)

    My dad’s birthday is today. So was court. Court was unproductive, we go back on Friday. Got into a really bad fight with my mom today as well. Money is more important than anything, it seems.

    I ended up gaining…. Up to 103 (BMI of 15.21) again which I hate myself for. Going to start doing more cardio as opposed to weights in order to get lower again.

    The video is from tonight. That’s my first attempt at doing those, whatever they’re called. I didn’t do terribly, though I find it difficult to do them for very long. My blood pressure and heart rate sky rocket, unfortunately.

    I miss and need my dad and I’d honestly rather be dead. I told my mom that and she cared more about her money. Great way to make your daughter feel loved.

    Short post, I apologize. I’m very tired..

     
  3. image: Download

    July 7, 2014 (6:20 pm) 

My mind is chaotic and my reactions follow in step. However, I’ve been feeling very little. I’ve begun taking my medications again, though I frequently forget. I guess that causes them to be fairly ineffective. I’m afraid to take them. I already don’t feel much, except for the sporadic overwhelming depression or anger that hits, so why take these pills to feel even less? Yes, all of this is completely exhausting but I much prefer it to an emotional flat line if I’m still breathing. 

The suicidal thoughts come and go. Their absence leaves me feeling lost, empty. Almost like I have no purpose. Is my purpose really to take my own life? It often seems that way. 

I miss my dad greatly. My soul is incomplete without him. It hasn’t gotten any easier and it’s been twenty-seven weeks and two days since he died, twenty-seven weeks and one day since he was found. 

I don’t know my weight at the moment. I haven’t been eating enough according to those around me. In my mind it’s still far too much.

    July 7, 2014 (6:20 pm)

    My mind is chaotic and my reactions follow in step. However, I’ve been feeling very little. I’ve begun taking my medications again, though I frequently forget. I guess that causes them to be fairly ineffective. I’m afraid to take them. I already don’t feel much, except for the sporadic overwhelming depression or anger that hits, so why take these pills to feel even less? Yes, all of this is completely exhausting but I much prefer it to an emotional flat line if I’m still breathing.

    The suicidal thoughts come and go. Their absence leaves me feeling lost, empty. Almost like I have no purpose. Is my purpose really to take my own life? It often seems that way.

    I miss my dad greatly. My soul is incomplete without him. It hasn’t gotten any easier and it’s been twenty-seven weeks and two days since he died, twenty-seven weeks and one day since he was found.

    I don’t know my weight at the moment. I haven’t been eating enough according to those around me. In my mind it’s still far too much.

     
  4. image: Download

    May 12, 2014 (2:55 am) 

I apologize in advance for the lack of organization with this post. I have gotten a maximum of maybe six hours of sleep in the last six days and I’m drained in every way possible. Anxiety, stress, fear and self hate have had a very strong grip on me recently. 

I’ve had an incredibly difficult time breathing lately. It’s almost as if I’m incapable of taking deep breaths and can’t absorb enough oxygen. My lungs weeze and shutter and I frequently find myself forgetting to breathe if I’m not consciously telling myself to do so. My chest feels tight, though not in the way that I’ve grown used to. I’m wondering if it’s due to the fairly severe bronchitis that I had a couple of weeks ago or if my years of smoking are catching up with me. I did go to the doctor for my bronchitis and I was prescribed five days of antibiotics. I felt worse by the time I finished them. It could be a combination of both smoking and bronchitis and I’m sure that my eating disorder plays a part to some degree. 

My eating has been sporadic. I don’t really feel hunger anymore and I find it very difficult to remember the last time that I ate and what I had. My memory is less than ideal, however, which also contributes. I have been eating occasionally, though according to the few people that are around it’s nothing even remotely close to a substantial amount. I trust a specific person when  they say this because she also struggles with an eating disorder. I was losing weight rapidly about a week and a half ago, a total of 5.4 pounds in just under three days, if I’m remembering correctly. I ended up having lunch with my mom last Sunday and gained about half of the weight back. It’s seemed to have disappeared since then, though. I weighed in this morning (it’s not the next day until I’ve slept) at 101.2, which is my lowest in quite some time. I feel accomplished and yet concerned. Since today was mothers day I went to brunch with my mom and ate a large amount (for me) in order to make her happy. I was very afraid of how much I would gain from this but I weighed myself before my bath this evening and was only up by a pound. I know that the food that is in my system weighs more than a pound which means that I still lost weight today. When I got out of my bath in weighed myself again and was back under 102 at 101.8. That’s acceptable for now, I suppose, given the holiday. If I go based off of my weight this morning my BMI using the old formula is 14.94 and if I were to go by the new one it would be 14.68. I will explain this further later. It’s very strange being under 15 now. I don’t look nearly as thin as my BMI would imply. 

So, I will explain the new/old BMI reference now so as not to forget. The most commonly used formula was created in 1840 and it isn’t exactly the most reliable for a few reasons. The main reason is because it’s calculating people as if we are two dimensional, which is very obviously not true. That’s the reason I’m focusing on. The new formula, from what I understand, takes into account that we are three dimensional. Many people will hate this new formula for the following reason. If you compare your BMI using the old formula and the new one and are shorter in height, your BMI will go up. The opposite if for taller people, it will go down. Honestly, I do not fully understand why this is and I don’t have the energy to attempt to figure it out at this time. I’m finding it difficult to process just about everything right now, especially math. If I figure it out I’ll post about it, though. 

It’s possible that i may be going out to California for a couple of weeks to help my cousin. I’m not up to going into detail other than he needs help with caring for his daughter and ensuring that he get stabilized so that he doesn’t lose her. 

My therapist is very worried about me. Part of me understands why and part of me is baffled and irritated that he even cares. I don’t see myself as being worth the time or energy to be concerned about but apparently he does. 

I’ve been blacking out frequently and yesterday I started having pretty bad back spasms. That only happens when I’m about to have a seizure, though they felt different than that this time. I didn’t end up seizing, thankfully. I could explain but I’m typing all of this up on a phone and it’s kind of a pain in  the ass..

I’ve been unintentionally restricting my liquid intake as well, even water. I’m at a constant state of dehydration. For some reason this doesn’t really bother me. 

Court for Evan is on Thursday. It’s the preliminary hearing. I don’t have to go but I’d like to hear what’s said rather than being informed after the fact. I will not be asking for the restraining order to be lifted, though Evan is not aware of that yet. 

I’m feeling very weak and tired though sleep refuses to come. I wonder how long I can function for with very little sleep. I used to go for quite some time but as I’ve gotten older it seems as though my body can’t handle it as well. 

I think I’m going to be ending this post here for now. Hope you all are doing well.

    May 12, 2014 (2:55 am)

    I apologize in advance for the lack of organization with this post. I have gotten a maximum of maybe six hours of sleep in the last six days and I’m drained in every way possible. Anxiety, stress, fear and self hate have had a very strong grip on me recently.

    I’ve had an incredibly difficult time breathing lately. It’s almost as if I’m incapable of taking deep breaths and can’t absorb enough oxygen. My lungs weeze and shutter and I frequently find myself forgetting to breathe if I’m not consciously telling myself to do so. My chest feels tight, though not in the way that I’ve grown used to. I’m wondering if it’s due to the fairly severe bronchitis that I had a couple of weeks ago or if my years of smoking are catching up with me. I did go to the doctor for my bronchitis and I was prescribed five days of antibiotics. I felt worse by the time I finished them. It could be a combination of both smoking and bronchitis and I’m sure that my eating disorder plays a part to some degree.

    My eating has been sporadic. I don’t really feel hunger anymore and I find it very difficult to remember the last time that I ate and what I had. My memory is less than ideal, however, which also contributes. I have been eating occasionally, though according to the few people that are around it’s nothing even remotely close to a substantial amount. I trust a specific person when they say this because she also struggles with an eating disorder. I was losing weight rapidly about a week and a half ago, a total of 5.4 pounds in just under three days, if I’m remembering correctly. I ended up having lunch with my mom last Sunday and gained about half of the weight back. It’s seemed to have disappeared since then, though. I weighed in this morning (it’s not the next day until I’ve slept) at 101.2, which is my lowest in quite some time. I feel accomplished and yet concerned. Since today was mothers day I went to brunch with my mom and ate a large amount (for me) in order to make her happy. I was very afraid of how much I would gain from this but I weighed myself before my bath this evening and was only up by a pound. I know that the food that is in my system weighs more than a pound which means that I still lost weight today. When I got out of my bath in weighed myself again and was back under 102 at 101.8. That’s acceptable for now, I suppose, given the holiday. If I go based off of my weight this morning my BMI using the old formula is 14.94 and if I were to go by the new one it would be 14.68. I will explain this further later. It’s very strange being under 15 now. I don’t look nearly as thin as my BMI would imply.

    So, I will explain the new/old BMI reference now so as not to forget. The most commonly used formula was created in 1840 and it isn’t exactly the most reliable for a few reasons. The main reason is because it’s calculating people as if we are two dimensional, which is very obviously not true. That’s the reason I’m focusing on. The new formula, from what I understand, takes into account that we are three dimensional. Many people will hate this new formula for the following reason. If you compare your BMI using the old formula and the new one and are shorter in height, your BMI will go up. The opposite if for taller people, it will go down. Honestly, I do not fully understand why this is and I don’t have the energy to attempt to figure it out at this time. I’m finding it difficult to process just about everything right now, especially math. If I figure it out I’ll post about it, though.

    It’s possible that i may be going out to California for a couple of weeks to help my cousin. I’m not up to going into detail other than he needs help with caring for his daughter and ensuring that he get stabilized so that he doesn’t lose her.

    My therapist is very worried about me. Part of me understands why and part of me is baffled and irritated that he even cares. I don’t see myself as being worth the time or energy to be concerned about but apparently he does.

    I’ve been blacking out frequently and yesterday I started having pretty bad back spasms. That only happens when I’m about to have a seizure, though they felt different than that this time. I didn’t end up seizing, thankfully. I could explain but I’m typing all of this up on a phone and it’s kind of a pain in the ass..

    I’ve been unintentionally restricting my liquid intake as well, even water. I’m at a constant state of dehydration. For some reason this doesn’t really bother me.

    Court for Evan is on Thursday. It’s the preliminary hearing. I don’t have to go but I’d like to hear what’s said rather than being informed after the fact. I will not be asking for the restraining order to be lifted, though Evan is not aware of that yet.

    I’m feeling very weak and tired though sleep refuses to come. I wonder how long I can function for with very little sleep. I used to go for quite some time but as I’ve gotten older it seems as though my body can’t handle it as well.

    I think I’m going to be ending this post here for now. Hope you all are doing well.

     
  5. image: Download

    May 4, 2014 (5:38 pm) 

This picture is from the other day. 

Court for Evan again is on the 15th. It’s the preliminary hearing. I guess we’ll see what happens. 

101.6 this morning. BMI of 15. I was 106.8 only a few days ago. Incredibly anxious about meeting with my therapist Wednesday due to recent weight loss. At least I’m not under 100.. Yet. Ah well. 

Too tired to update too much right now. Not feeling the best. Fairly weak and just exhausted.. So, sorry about that.

    May 4, 2014 (5:38 pm)

    This picture is from the other day.

    Court for Evan again is on the 15th. It’s the preliminary hearing. I guess we’ll see what happens.

    101.6 this morning. BMI of 15. I was 106.8 only a few days ago. Incredibly anxious about meeting with my therapist Wednesday due to recent weight loss. At least I’m not under 100.. Yet. Ah well.

    Too tired to update too much right now. Not feeling the best. Fairly weak and just exhausted.. So, sorry about that.

     
  6. image: Download

    April 17, 2014 (10:55 pm) 

Found this letter that I wrote to my dad.. Having a hard time holding my shit together. Actually, I’m not holding it together. At all. I miss him and I need him.. This hurts so fucking much.. 

104.2 (BMI of 15.39) as of this morning. Took laxatives tonight because I went to my sister’s award ceremony today, which happened to be a three course lunch. I only ate part of the salad and part of the main course, though. Still feel like shit, though.. 

Fucking hate my life.. I want my daddy back..

    April 17, 2014 (10:55 pm)

    Found this letter that I wrote to my dad.. Having a hard time holding my shit together. Actually, I’m not holding it together. At all. I miss him and I need him.. This hurts so fucking much..

    104.2 (BMI of 15.39) as of this morning. Took laxatives tonight because I went to my sister’s award ceremony today, which happened to be a three course lunch. I only ate part of the salad and part of the main course, though. Still feel like shit, though..

    Fucking hate my life.. I want my daddy back..

     
  7. image: Download

    April 16, 2014 (1:55 pm) 

Weighed in at 106 this morning due to eating the last two days. I took laxatives last night, however, which hadn’t kicked in yet. (Please note that I didn’t take them simply for reasons related to my eating disorder. I hadn’t gone to the bathroom in over a week.) Before I got into the bath I weighed in at 104.4, which is a BMI of 15.42. This is my most recent LW. (Within the last year or so.) I’m hoping that I’ll get to be less than this soon, maybe even under 100 in the next week or so, though I doubt it. My reasoning for that is because I received a text from my sister this morning asking if I was still going tomorrow. I had completely forgotten. She has an awards ceremony tomorrow at 11 am which happens to be a 5 course lunch as well. I’m going to suck it up and go because it’s important to her but the anxiety is insane. Partially because of the food and partially because it’s in my old stomping grounds where a lot of people that I avoid are going to be. And I’m going alone. Awesome.. 

I have therapy today. This will be interesting.. Hebwas already concerned last week and I’ve lost a bit more weight since then. Oh well, I’ll figure something out.

    April 16, 2014 (1:55 pm)

    Weighed in at 106 this morning due to eating the last two days. I took laxatives last night, however, which hadn’t kicked in yet. (Please note that I didn’t take them simply for reasons related to my eating disorder. I hadn’t gone to the bathroom in over a week.) Before I got into the bath I weighed in at 104.4, which is a BMI of 15.42. This is my most recent LW. (Within the last year or so.) I’m hoping that I’ll get to be less than this soon, maybe even under 100 in the next week or so, though I doubt it. My reasoning for that is because I received a text from my sister this morning asking if I was still going tomorrow. I had completely forgotten. She has an awards ceremony tomorrow at 11 am which happens to be a 5 course lunch as well. I’m going to suck it up and go because it’s important to her but the anxiety is insane. Partially because of the food and partially because it’s in my old stomping grounds where a lot of people that I avoid are going to be. And I’m going alone. Awesome..

    I have therapy today. This will be interesting.. Hebwas already concerned last week and I’ve lost a bit more weight since then. Oh well, I’ll figure something out.

     
  8. image: Download

    April 14, 2014 (5:01 pm) 

Got surprised with a dinner tonight for my mom’s birthday. It’s in about a half an hour. Terrified to put anything into my mouth. Already looked up calorie content. Some of it isn’t so bad… Just don’t know now I’ll be able to actually eat. 
Killer headache. 

At 104.6 today. BMI of 15.45.

    April 14, 2014 (5:01 pm)

    Got surprised with a dinner tonight for my mom’s birthday. It’s in about a half an hour. Terrified to put anything into my mouth. Already looked up calorie content. Some of it isn’t so bad… Just don’t know now I’ll be able to actually eat.
    Killer headache.

    At 104.6 today. BMI of 15.45.

     
  9. image: Download

    April 13, 2014

Evan still isn’t home. I miss him despite what he did.. The next scheduled court date is the 24th. I’m going to be calling the victims advocate tomorrow so that she can call the DA to try and set up a date before then in order to modify the no contact order to a no abuse order. There are a lot of factors to why I want him home. For one, it’s terrible for me to be alone for a variety of reasons. Two, we financially can’t afford it. I’m to the point of considering selling some of my dad’s stuff that I treasure just to make it by. 

My eating disorder has been… Interesting, I guess. Keep switching between fasting and binging. I calculated my binge from last night today and it only totaled up to about 1,100 calories, which I was surprised about. I thought it was much more. It was all I had yesterday but it’s still too much. Far too much. Now, I logically know the way to help prevent binges; eat small amounts throughout the day. This isn’t an option for me though. 

My therapist and mom have been talking about the hospital more and more lately. I can’t go.. I’m not thin/sick/dying enough to need to go.. 

I guess my therapists main concern is that when I fast I drink very few liquids as well. They frighten me. Even my spit is terrifying.. I go into the fast with the intention of staying hydrated but that fear quickly sets in. 

I started taking my Abilify again last Sunday and my lithium again tonight. It’s been three months since I’ve taken either of them. 

I feel weak and cold. I’m exhausted. Not only physically but mentally and emotionally. I don’t want to be here, or anywhere for that matter, anymore. The only things stopping me right now are my therapist and my mom. My mom just buried my dad, she doesn’t need to bury me so soon as well. My therapist is more of a grandfather to me now over someone who just sits there and listens to me bitch. We care deeply for each other. 

I’m going to be trying to get to sleep earlier at night now in order to try and prevent binges. I have a small stash of seroquel, a prescription for lunesta and ativan and a not-so-small stash of klonopin. This should help. 

I’ve noticed that when I don’t take my ADHD medications I’m incredibly unmotivated. I will lay in bed and stare at the wall the entire day. Thankfully I have plenty of them right now. 

I’ve hit a plateau. I keep bouncing between 105.6 and 107.8. Seeing those numbers cause a panic attack, to say the least. Especially anything over 106.6. 107.8 is too close to a BMI of 16, which is completely unacceptable. I need to get back under 100. This is no longer an option. 

—————————

Just weighed myself: 105.4. BMI of 15.56. Still too high. Hopefully I can be under 102 by the end of the week. It’s possible, just risky due to the hospital conversations. 

I’ve began purging again as well. Not frequently. Up until early last week I had only purged once since June or July and that was back in November. Since then I’ve purged twice. Two days in a row. Now I’m just refusing to eat. Well, not exactly refusing since there isn’t really anyone around to try and force me right now. It doesn’t make me feel any better, it’s simply a punishment for eating in the first place. 

My mind has become a scary place..

    April 13, 2014

    Evan still isn’t home. I miss him despite what he did.. The next scheduled court date is the 24th. I’m going to be calling the victims advocate tomorrow so that she can call the DA to try and set up a date before then in order to modify the no contact order to a no abuse order. There are a lot of factors to why I want him home. For one, it’s terrible for me to be alone for a variety of reasons. Two, we financially can’t afford it. I’m to the point of considering selling some of my dad’s stuff that I treasure just to make it by.

    My eating disorder has been… Interesting, I guess. Keep switching between fasting and binging. I calculated my binge from last night today and it only totaled up to about 1,100 calories, which I was surprised about. I thought it was much more. It was all I had yesterday but it’s still too much. Far too much. Now, I logically know the way to help prevent binges; eat small amounts throughout the day. This isn’t an option for me though.

    My therapist and mom have been talking about the hospital more and more lately. I can’t go.. I’m not thin/sick/dying enough to need to go..

    I guess my therapists main concern is that when I fast I drink very few liquids as well. They frighten me. Even my spit is terrifying.. I go into the fast with the intention of staying hydrated but that fear quickly sets in.

    I started taking my Abilify again last Sunday and my lithium again tonight. It’s been three months since I’ve taken either of them.

    I feel weak and cold. I’m exhausted. Not only physically but mentally and emotionally. I don’t want to be here, or anywhere for that matter, anymore. The only things stopping me right now are my therapist and my mom. My mom just buried my dad, she doesn’t need to bury me so soon as well. My therapist is more of a grandfather to me now over someone who just sits there and listens to me bitch. We care deeply for each other.

    I’m going to be trying to get to sleep earlier at night now in order to try and prevent binges. I have a small stash of seroquel, a prescription for lunesta and ativan and a not-so-small stash of klonopin. This should help.

    I’ve noticed that when I don’t take my ADHD medications I’m incredibly unmotivated. I will lay in bed and stare at the wall the entire day. Thankfully I have plenty of them right now.

    I’ve hit a plateau. I keep bouncing between 105.6 and 107.8. Seeing those numbers cause a panic attack, to say the least. Especially anything over 106.6. 107.8 is too close to a BMI of 16, which is completely unacceptable. I need to get back under 100. This is no longer an option.

    —————————

    Just weighed myself: 105.4. BMI of 15.56. Still too high. Hopefully I can be under 102 by the end of the week. It’s possible, just risky due to the hospital conversations.

    I’ve began purging again as well. Not frequently. Up until early last week I had only purged once since June or July and that was back in November. Since then I’ve purged twice. Two days in a row. Now I’m just refusing to eat. Well, not exactly refusing since there isn’t really anyone around to try and force me right now. It doesn’t make me feel any better, it’s simply a punishment for eating in the first place.

    My mind has become a scary place..

     
  10. image: Download

    March 17, 2014 (11:45 am) 

I apologize for not posting more.. Life has been crazy. About a month and a half ago Evan beat me up pretty good. I’m not going to get into too much detail of that one other than the fact that he punched me, choked me (at least five times), bit me and threatened to kill me. I didn’t call the police. He got abusive again late Thursday night (it’s now monday). We were arguing and he Headbutted me, resulting in half of my tooth breaking off. I had to go to the hospital because the nerves were exposed and then got a root canal done Friday morning. I did call the police that time due to the damage that was done. His bond was set on Saturday at $10,000 and he sees the judge today which will determine if he’s being charged/what his charges are. I am not pressing charges. Honestly, I want him to come home.. I miss him terribly. But I’m afraid that he’s going to be angry with me for calling the police and get violent again.. But he may not as well. I guess we’ll see. If he does get violent again I will press charges. 

I don’t think I’ve ever been so suicidal in my life. I’m not safe to be alone.. I’m not going to act on it right now but I want to badly. 

I miss my dad more than anything. I want to be with him. He’s the only person that never gave up on me, abandon me or caused me to feel like a burden.. 

I’m at a complete loss.

    March 17, 2014 (11:45 am)

    I apologize for not posting more.. Life has been crazy. About a month and a half ago Evan beat me up pretty good. I’m not going to get into too much detail of that one other than the fact that he punched me, choked me (at least five times), bit me and threatened to kill me. I didn’t call the police. He got abusive again late Thursday night (it’s now monday). We were arguing and he Headbutted me, resulting in half of my tooth breaking off. I had to go to the hospital because the nerves were exposed and then got a root canal done Friday morning. I did call the police that time due to the damage that was done. His bond was set on Saturday at $10,000 and he sees the judge today which will determine if he’s being charged/what his charges are. I am not pressing charges. Honestly, I want him to come home.. I miss him terribly. But I’m afraid that he’s going to be angry with me for calling the police and get violent again.. But he may not as well. I guess we’ll see. If he does get violent again I will press charges.

    I don’t think I’ve ever been so suicidal in my life. I’m not safe to be alone.. I’m not going to act on it right now but I want to badly.

    I miss my dad more than anything. I want to be with him. He’s the only person that never gave up on me, abandon me or caused me to feel like a burden..

    I’m at a complete loss.

     
  11. 18:53 2nd Jan 2014

    Notes: 1

    January 2, 2014 (6:51 pm)

    It is now Thursday. Just after the new year. I can honestly say that this is the worst year ever imagined..

    My dad passed away over the weekend. On December 28, 2013.

    I’m not going to say much else.

    RIP daddy, I love you….

     
  12. 23:27 27th Dec 2013

    Notes: 1

    image: Download

    December 27, 2013 (11:13 pm) 
Christmas was rough due to all of the food as well as some family shit. 
Up in Wyoming for another business trip. It’s.. Okay I guess. Hopefully I’ll make decent money this time around. 
Eating Disorder is kicking my ass mentally and emotionally. Fasting starting at midnight except for vodka. It’ll help me maintain what little bit of sanity I have left… 
Sorry for the short post tonight, I’m exhausted and need a cigarette.

    December 27, 2013 (11:13 pm)

    Christmas was rough due to all of the food as well as some family shit.

    Up in Wyoming for another business trip. It’s.. Okay I guess. Hopefully I’ll make decent money this time around.

    Eating Disorder is kicking my ass mentally and emotionally. Fasting starting at midnight except for vodka. It’ll help me maintain what little bit of sanity I have left…

    Sorry for the short post tonight, I’m exhausted and need a cigarette.

     
  13. image: Download

    December 6, 2013 (4:17 pm) 
Up in Wyoming for work. It’s freezing. Evan and I got into a fight two days ago. It got really bad. Really really bad… He hit my head on the wooden bed frame then proceeded to choke me. I didn’t black out, so that’s good… I don’t know what I’m going to do. 
Need to keep losing weight. I hate my hips and waist in that picture. I look so…. Fat. Idk. Afraid that I’m going to wind up in the hospital soon, though. 
…. What am I doing with my life?

    December 6, 2013 (4:17 pm)

    Up in Wyoming for work. It’s freezing. Evan and I got into a fight two days ago. It got really bad. Really really bad… He hit my head on the wooden bed frame then proceeded to choke me. I didn’t black out, so that’s good… I don’t know what I’m going to do.

    Need to keep losing weight. I hate my hips and waist in that picture. I look so…. Fat. Idk. Afraid that I’m going to wind up in the hospital soon, though.

    …. What am I doing with my life?

     
  14. image: Download

    November 23, 2013 (11:21 am) 
My birthday is in three days. Not looking forward to it at all. I didn’t think I’d make it to 18 and now I’m almost 21. It’s very odd to think that I’m still here. And the thought is definitely not a comforting one. 
Been losing weight slowly. My thyroid levels were fucked and I have a fairly severe cases of hypothyroidism. I need to talk to my endocrinologist about it. I’m also afraid that since I’ve been able to lose weight without the meds I’ll lose too quickly on them and get sent to the hospital by my therapist. He’s already unhappy with my weight right now. 
The suicidal thoughts and urges keep getting stronger and stronger. I’m not going to act on them but my god I want to. I also want to cut. So. Fucking. Bad. It’s been months since I have but I just…. Have to. At work I’m near the exacto knives and it’s so tempting. I wear black pants and it’s winter anyway so it’s not like anyone would know except for Evan. 
Work is going well, though, at least. I’m close to being promoted again. If I can pull in two apps today, anyway. Which… I hope I can do. I need to. But, we’ll see. 
Eating disordered thoughts are out of control. Anytime I eat I automatically think of purging and come close to doing so. I miss taking laxatives and diuretics. I know it’s sick but I do. I want to be as weak physically as I am mentally and emotionally. 
I need to start working out again. If I can even find the time.. Working long days almost every day. I figure that since I’m on my feet for up to 13 hours a day that’s a semi-decent workout. I guess.. But it’s not good enough. It’s never good enough. 
My neurologist told me that I should eat edibles. (food with thc in it). Partially to help with my headaches and partially because he thinks I need to gain weight. I don’t really get the munchies anymore so that’s good. At least for me. 
I’m tired. So so tired…

    November 23, 2013 (11:21 am)

    My birthday is in three days. Not looking forward to it at all. I didn’t think I’d make it to 18 and now I’m almost 21. It’s very odd to think that I’m still here. And the thought is definitely not a comforting one.

    Been losing weight slowly. My thyroid levels were fucked and I have a fairly severe cases of hypothyroidism. I need to talk to my endocrinologist about it. I’m also afraid that since I’ve been able to lose weight without the meds I’ll lose too quickly on them and get sent to the hospital by my therapist. He’s already unhappy with my weight right now.

    The suicidal thoughts and urges keep getting stronger and stronger. I’m not going to act on them but my god I want to. I also want to cut. So. Fucking. Bad. It’s been months since I have but I just…. Have to. At work I’m near the exacto knives and it’s so tempting. I wear black pants and it’s winter anyway so it’s not like anyone would know except for Evan.
    Work is going well, though, at least. I’m close to being promoted again. If I can pull in two apps today, anyway. Which… I hope I can do. I need to. But, we’ll see.

    Eating disordered thoughts are out of control. Anytime I eat I automatically think of purging and come close to doing so. I miss taking laxatives and diuretics. I know it’s sick but I do. I want to be as weak physically as I am mentally and emotionally.

    I need to start working out again. If I can even find the time.. Working long days almost every day. I figure that since I’m on my feet for up to 13 hours a day that’s a semi-decent workout. I guess.. But it’s not good enough. It’s never good enough.

    My neurologist told me that I should eat edibles. (food with thc in it). Partially to help with my headaches and partially because he thinks I need to gain weight. I don’t really get the munchies anymore so that’s good. At least for me.

    I’m tired. So so tired…

     
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    November 6, 2013 (9:53 pm)
Finally got a job, which is nice.  Working 11-13 hour days, 6 days a week.  It’s base or commission but i enjoy it.  Been working there for about three weeks now.
My 21st birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks.  Sort of excited about it, i guess.  my co-worker wants to take me out to party.  I might.  We’ll see.  
My therapist is upset with me.  I’m under his “lowest acceptable weight” now.  Not by too much but I still am.  I just haven’t really been hungry..  at least I haven’t been taking laxatives and diuretics and such often recently.  
A good friend is coming out to visit next week.  That’ll be nice.  If i’m ever home, anyway…
i’m exhausted.  The suicidal thoughts have come back and my depression seems to be getting worse and worse again.  I meet with my psychiatrist on the 12th so I’m going to bring that up to her and see if she can help at all.  I just hope that I don’t get prescribed another medication.  I already hate taking as many as I have to now…
But, i have to go and finish laundry and dishes then head to bed.  I have to be up at 5 in order to get back into town on time for work.  I’ve been at my dad’s for a couple of days to help him out since he isn’t doing so well…
hope everyone is doing all right.  <3

    November 6, 2013 (9:53 pm)

    Finally got a job, which is nice.  Working 11-13 hour days, 6 days a week.  It’s base or commission but i enjoy it.  Been working there for about three weeks now.

    My 21st birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks.  Sort of excited about it, i guess.  my co-worker wants to take me out to party.  I might.  We’ll see.  

    My therapist is upset with me.  I’m under his “lowest acceptable weight” now.  Not by too much but I still am.  I just haven’t really been hungry..  at least I haven’t been taking laxatives and diuretics and such often recently.  

    A good friend is coming out to visit next week.  That’ll be nice.  If i’m ever home, anyway…

    i’m exhausted.  The suicidal thoughts have come back and my depression seems to be getting worse and worse again.  I meet with my psychiatrist on the 12th so I’m going to bring that up to her and see if she can help at all.  I just hope that I don’t get prescribed another medication.  I already hate taking as many as I have to now…

    But, i have to go and finish laundry and dishes then head to bed.  I have to be up at 5 in order to get back into town on time for work.  I’ve been at my dad’s for a couple of days to help him out since he isn’t doing so well…

    hope everyone is doing all right.  <3